The Canteen

The characters are all staff members of a mythical canteen/cafe/restaurant, somewhere near the end of the Universe.


The Owner

Now Brian’s a tightfisted bastard
As Scrooge he is really typecasted
If we get him alone
He truly will groan
For we’ll leave him rudely dis-masted!

The boss is a bastard named Brian
Sold his soul to the Devil who’s trying
To collect quite a few
For his next BBQ
And some serious high temp deep frying!


The Managers

Michelle is a buck-toothèd wonder
She makes even grown men chunder
But worse than her mouth
Is what is down south
It’s those extra teeth way down-under.

The sight of a naked Michelle
Mouth open with teeth sharp as hell
Will mess up your sleep
It may make you weep
But will stop the wettest wet dream!

The rush hour has slowed to a walk
But don’t stand around here and talk
The manager watches
For staff in great swatches
And at their employment will balk!


The ways of young Karen in passion
Have set a new standard in fashion
And what takes the prize
Is the sound of her cries
When timed with the chandeliers crashing

Young Karen was looking for passion
The lack of it had her teeth gnashing
“The harder I try”
She is heard to cry,
“The shorter it seems is my ration.”


Now Dimitra’s known as Dim
With a waistline that’s totally trim
But her man has decreed
He’ll sow no more seed
She’s lamenting her unemployed quim


To the Greeks Diana’s a huntress
To the Poms, a Princess, not Countess,
But here where we work
(And none of us shirk)
She’s known to us as a cuntress.


Our David’s a grumpy young bugger
And maybe not much for the rugger
Tho when not at work
(Which he’ll never shirk)
I think he’s a secret tree-hugger!


The Chefs

The cooking and menus are Ana’s
Tho Iberian she wont wear bandanas
She just loves talking
‘Bout hot Spanish pork’n
And the things that she does with bananas


Our new chef is David, he’s Danish
His girlfriend is Helga, she’s Swedish
She says, “He’s no wee gun,
Does laps with a big one –
If he keeps it up, we’ll be finish!”

The new chef, young David’s not sane
His sauces are never just plain
The one he delivers
With his cooked and chopped livers
Are such even Portnoy complains!

When chefs cook Risotto we need
To invoke the kitchen-hands creed
And using two bricks
Use the sultans old tricks
And quickly, before they can breed.


A naughty young miss is Mikæla
Adoring a randy old sailor
He wines her and dines her
To lust he inclines her
She now wants to check his impaler!


Inspired is the cooking of Phil
Nouvelle, Haute Cuisine or a grill
But caveat emptor
Cos Hannibal Lector
Dines here, and he eats his fill!


The young apprentice chef, Luke
Made souffle’s which rose as a fluke
And if you ate one
You’d go for a run
To a place you could privately puke!


The Counterhands

What I want no one can give me
Cried Maria who often is free
With her arms and her charms
And now has no qualms
‘Bout saying she wants to try three

Maria once tried hard to sing
Her vocal chords simply went “ping”
The reason they’re broken
Is cos of her smokin’
Her voice has lost all of its zing!


The dreams of the horny young Greg
Involve drinking the dregs of a keg
And having Louise
Down there on her knees
Just licking the smeg from his peg.


The weight of Greg’s balls is quite small
While Gonzo has no balls at all
Their miniscule dicks
Will never do tricks
Yet they’re always asked to the Ball

At the Ball they will find a quiet place
(Not one that is harder to trace)
And lay side by side
While the girls come outside
And gleefully sit on a face

And both of them are very tonguey
On clit and velvet and cunny
Fulfilling girls dream
And making them scream
And sometimes they do it for money


Gonzo is not very silly
He’s left and he’s gone to Chile
He wont wear pajamas
But he’ll put young llamas
On the end of his hard raging willy!

That sweet llama’s name is Estella
His passion she can always quella
And when he gets off
From another fun boff
He tells his Estell’ “muchos bella”


Yvonne found a small cunning dingus
Which she gently caressed with her fingers
And then with ambition
She changed her position
And tried some auto-cunnilingus

Yvonne talked from soup to the pav
A breath she did not seem to have
To give my ears rest
I fondled her breast
And filled her mouth with my sav!


There was a young lady named Kate
Who thought lovemaking was great
She line up a queue
Of not just a few
And practised until it was late

Now life with our Kate’s a real drag
Cos she’s an incredible nag
She yells and she screams
And breaks our daydreams
What’s worse, she’s an ugly old bag!

(totally untrue!!!)

When Katie is not celibate
She knows the way to celebrate
She does split handstandies
Without any panties
And shouts out loud, “I’m feeling great!”

Our Lesley is a whizz with a knife
‘Round her we will never cause strife
Or else we will lose
What we prize in our trews
And normally save for the wife!


Some bangers and mash with some peas
With tea and three sugars to please
All served at my table
By waitressing Mabel
Wearing boots and then bare from the knees.


None sweeter than dear young Anita
I greet her with my long hard peter
She sucks on my wurst
Until it has burst
And then in return, I will eat her.

I’d love to be naughty with Nita
But her boyfriend is nigh on two metre
So she wont get the measure
Of my source of pleasure
A point two six five metre peter.


Young Katie is hopeless on tables
She’s off with the fairies and fables
But when she’s in bed
And giving you head
My God! What she does to your cable!


She’s out on the town is young Kerry
The Vodka and lime make her merry
And now she wont fight
For this is the night
She’s willing to give up her cherry!


I’m sorry, I wasn’t real nice
Involving sweet you in some vice
I apologise
And just for your eyes
I’ll sit down and write it out twice


The Waiters

A saucy young lass is Martine
With habits that some call obscene
She exposes her nose
And all of her toes
And most of the parts in between!


Poor Simon’s not much of a lad
And often he cracks a great sad
But we shouldn’t wonder
It is caused by the blunders
Of the rest of the waiters so bad


A bit of a dandy’s our Andy
His hair at the tips is quite sandy
And he does his quince
If you ruffle his chintz
He’ll only calm down with some brandy.


Entertaining our club is young Wendy
Her show is both risque and trendy
Removing her thong
Leaves most of the throng
Of members with members just bendy

Travis asked

Could Wendy be one and the same
Young lady who danced o’er a flame,
And during the stunt
Her ass and her cunt
Was welded shut? Damn, what a shame!

And I explained

That Wendy’s a bit of a flake
My Wendy just plays with a drake
But if she feels ill
Instead of a pill
She changes the drake for a snake!


Not sweet but quite naughty’s Melinda
Stands naked in front of her window
And her morals of late
Ensure her a date
With Old Nick, to be burned to a cinder.


When Scott was a rentboy he’d mix
The semen from clients and fix
A salty whipped cream
To add to Jim Beam
And drink it each evening at six


The Customers

There was a young lady named Lyn
Who had a surprising big grin
But the biggest surprise
Was the look in her eyes
Which promised original sin.

There was a young lady, Irene
Whose smile was the biggest I’ve seen
The sight of her back
Left nothing to lack
Tho’ the front was slightly obscene.



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