Posted on December 8, 2013 by archiearchive FCD but written by numerous people during 1998 and on into 2000.
Presented for your entertainment
is a drama entitled
THE TWINS
An immorality play which goes from here to interminable.
Starring Purple as Ericka and Blue as Archie(tte)
Supporting them we have Olive playing the part of Marty, Maroon as Kaylin and Orange as kiss.
There are cameo appearances by Lime as Jayne, Navy as Peter, Teal as Kim&Sam and Red as Joie. Omnes (Tiddy, Arden, Pilar, Lucy, Duke Dillon, Jule§, Ken Rose, H, Petunia, “soft” John and mr malo) are played by Gray
Special appearences by Widdy and Deasil are in Aqua
The Narrator is Black and the fault is all Archie’s!
The copyright in all these limericks remain the property of the perpetrators.
INTRODUCTION from stage left.
The quiet AJL garden
Invaded by Arch with no pardon
Was home to the girls
Who had discreet whirls
With men they knew they could harden.
But in there this Arch was uncouth
Instead of just one he’d take two’th
And tho it’s absurd
Sometimes he’s a third
Or a fourth, I only tell truth.
The prettiest girl of them all
Was E, who held Peter in thrall.
This elegant pair
Who’s mighty affair
Caused greed which led Arch to his fall.
Tho his boss was only a knave.
Young Pete had to work like a slave;
A small stipend ekes
While working for weeks
away he trusts E to behave.
So Arch saw a chance he could seize
And quickly gave E a lewd squeeze
He looked in her eyes
He told her sweet lies
And finally even said “please”.
To forces quite irresistable
Morality soon becomes twistable;
E’s thoughts of her Pete
Succumbed to new meat –
This tale then became inevistable!
END of the PREAMBLE
THE TWINS
ACT the FIRST
In which a philanderer gets his just desserts, green booties are knitted, some token morality is discussed and nature is turned upside down.
SCENE ONE –
A shock announcement
On the 12th of September, 1998, Ericka wrote:
Archie, my wild Aussie brother!
‘Been screwing around with two other.
Your waist it’s affecting
‘Cause now you’re expecting –
And you don’t even know who’s the mother!
Ericka. (Congratulations!)
A shocked reply was uttered;:
This morning I felt somewhat ill
I chucked my breakfast like a dill
I hate being sick
It makes me feel ick
My tummy I now dare not fill!
I can’t be preggers, you big dope
With offspring I never could cope.
(I’ll pee right on cue –
My God it’s turned BLUE!
Tell me, what does this mean to you?)
Archie – perplexed
Dr. Petal here, Arch, at bedside.
My concern was indeed justified!
We’ve tested your pee
(My assistant and me)
And *both* of the rabbits have died.
Ericka Looks like it’s twins, Archie!
I can’t believe what you just said
I wish this script could be unread
I’m having some twins?
(Hope they don’t have fins!)
But I’ve no tits – they won’t be fed!
Archie – (Wringing hands) What am I going to do? And if any one suggests “Just grin and bear it” I’ll climb right into this computer and bite your fingers off!
Jayne taunted
So a happy event is to come!
In 9 months you’ll be someones “mum!”
Which girls have you had?
I know you’ve been bad,
Quite often your nuts are left numb.
It is possible, yes I can see,
That the mother could maybe be me,
I’m glad that it’s YOU,
Who will run to the loo,
And have haemarroids and stretchmarks you’ll see!!
You must think I am very dumb
(Obviously not doing my sums)
But I haven’t a clue
As to who, just who
Can possibly have been the Mum!
Archie – (reminiscing) Now there was you, Jayne (often), Joie (twice), Ericka (twice) and Ardens twin sister (but that was only a “Monica job”). Now the rest of you will think I’m just a slut!
Oh goody, now I can sleep around (safely)
No more eggs my sperm they will found.
Those motile young ova
Have just done me over
Very soon I will be quite round!
Archie – footloose and fancy free – for the next – how long does this take???? Could be the longest thread ever!
SCENE TWO –
Musings
I will have to think what to do.
Unmarried Dads, a problem, true.
If I knew who was Mum,
Dad’d get out his gun;
A wedding would take place quite soo(n).
But, trust me, that won’t happen here,
Maybe an abortion, I fear
Thats not the answer,
I might get a cancer
And lose everything I hold dear!
Of course there’s adoption, that’s hard,
Small kids growing up without Dard.
And I know I’ll grieve
When seeing it leave
And I’d cry if I let down my guard!
Oh, girls, I will need your advice
On handling results of my vice
To carry to term
Or treat like a germ
I’m confused, and not very nice!
Archie – Someone else wondered if there was a subject that couldn’t be covered by lims. There is some serious morality here!
kisskaren replied
After all of the years women carried
The babies without being married
Or without man’s support
I do now purport
It’s justice that you are now harried
Not “you”, Archie, personally
But the men throughout history
Who kept us so weak
We hardly dared speak
What goes ’round comes ’round, naturally
And it’s too bad for you that its you
But I think in the end you will do
Fine with babies
And maybe of maybes
You’ll make up a history that’s true
But in this revisionist world
When the courts have finally uncurled
The twist and the turns
Of who’s were the sperms
The dirt on us all will be hurled
SCENE THREE –
Some help at last
Marty arrived with an offer of help –
So — Archie is pregnant, they say.
Has this been confirmed, by the way?
You’ve had ultrasound
On that little mound?
Do you know when is your due day?
If I knew to use pink or blue
I would knit a bunting for you
Well, it’d be for the baby
Unless you think, maybe,
That you will be needing one too.
Have you planned the baby’s layette?
Know how many diapers to get?
Because you’re a man:
The formula plan
And get baby bottles: one set.
My gosh, there’s so much to do.
Does not sound like you have a clue!
Go purchase a crib
And new baby bib
And one diaper pail for the loo!
–ML {Well, we know it isn’t mine!}
My friend, Marlene, thanks for your help.
In March of next year I will whelp.
The ultrasound things
Confirmed it is twins
Having them I think I will yelp!
I’ve worked out the ova donor –
With Ericka I lost my honour!
With Peter away
E and I did play
I then lost a duel aloner.
For your knitting help, I thank you
But you will be knitting for two!
It’s a bit of a stink,
But I need some in pink
For her, and for him, some in blue!
These diapers (called nappies down here)
Sound grotty and smelly, I fear.
Some use of Duct Tape
Could contain the pape
And might even stop them from wee’r!
But with all the rest of the stuff
I’m truly confused quite enough.
What size do I get
Not used to it yet
Please help me while I’m up the duff.
Archie(tte) – Now the identity crisis is kicking in. Should I keep taking the tablets?
My fingers will fall off by March
I must knit two buntings for Arch,
One for my dear Cat
One for Kris, ‘sides that.
I’ll make them the shades of the Larch.
–ML {stretching it there — they’ll be nice green ones, why stereotype babies with pink and blue?}
SCENE FOUR –
Evasion of responsibility
But Archie, our un-safe sex wasn’t *all* my fault…
You said *rhythm* method, you knew it.
(But somehow, somewhere, you blew it.)
You danced a soft-shoe
And sang me some blues
And said, “There. I think *that* should do it!”
Ericka. (Never trust a singing, dancing Australian)
Doc Petal, you’ll have to be changed,
As Mother you’ll be quite deranged.
Doc’s Handup and Grope –
I think they will cope.
My plumbing they will rearrange!
Archie(tte) – I’ve had the DNA tested!
Must I now change my name to Erick?
My eggs never left me – I swearick!
Yes, Archie, I think
You had too much to drink
During our one day affairick!
My spurs racked your *brain*, you agree?
You can’t pin those nappies on me!
It isn’t my fault!
I was *here* at dot alt.
Writing lims to my darling Sweet P!
Ericka (Archie, I’m nearly positive that Jayne is to blame!)
Joie de Vivre commented,“and I couldn’t agree with Ericka more!”
Well it certainly couldn’t be me
We canoodled just once by the sea
On my trip down-under.
No sexual blunder
Took place. I’ll tell y’all for free.
The next time in Archie’s van
He tried it on. (Typical man!)
“I’ll warm up your body
Without a hot-toddy”
The offer was there… but I ran!!
0:-) Halo polished and protesting her innocence!
I’ve checked out the dates and the sums
I’m no longer naive or just dumb.
The labs did the test
I know all the rest.
I know who put what in my tum!
But isn’t it just like a girl,
My privates you just had to twirl!
You had your nights fun,
And now that you’re done
You leave with your dress all a’swirl!
I fell for your charms so pronounced
And on to me you did then pounce
You had your fun lay
And now I must pay
Don’t blame me if I fairly flounce!
Archie – No, It wasn’t Jayne! I really don’t want to have to get friend Marlene to start maternity proceedings against you. No, No! That’s not a threat, just a very sincere wish! (But you are acting just like all those other women who get us poor ignorant men pregnant and then run away from your resposibilities!)
Archie, it takes two to get pregnant, you know!
Archie, I know you’re perceptive.
When I offered, you were receptive.
And,(having the knob)
It *is* the man’s job
To look after things contraceptive!
Ericka (you didn’t hold up your end, Archie.)
I suppose we could get hitched but…
You’re an old West Aus. man
I’m a young lass from East Can.
“Good eye, mite” you say
While I’m “Gidday, eh?”
My snowfall is your summer tan.
In drains, you’re counter-,I’m clock-
wise. How strangely you talk!
You’re spring and I’m fall.
You’re short and I’m tall.
You’re cricket and I am basebalk. (Archie school of rhyme)
So Arch, I’m afraid I’ll vamoose.
Ere you go forth and reproduce.
It won’t ever work.
We’d both be beserk.
You’re Wombat. I’m Canada Goose.
Ericka. (These mixed marriages are destined to fail.) (Now if you’d been *Platypus*, well, maybe…)
No, Ericka, we will not wed
Although you once forced me in bed!
I have my own life
I don’t need a wife,
But my bank balance it will be red!
So all that I want is that you
Take some of the care that is due
You said, “Go to Hell”
That out you won’t shell
But now you will pay or I’ll sue!
Archie(tte) – feeling lost, lonely and litiginous!
Archie, let’s get one thing straight, (no, not that)
*You* were the one couldn’t wait!
You said I forced you
When I intercoursed you,
But *I* never asked for round eight.
Ericka. 😉 (Ding! There’s the bell for round 9!)
Boo hoo boo boo hoo boo boo hoo
No, Ericka, you are so cru……(gulp, gulp, sniffle…el)
You thought it a jape
When me you did rape
Then blamed the result on me to!
You’re cov’ring up your guilty ass
By claiming that I made the pass.
But can you not see,
That this pregnancy
Was caused by the both of us, lass?
Archie(tte) – You wouldn’t go and leave me in the lurch, would you??? sniffle. 8.-( see the tear?
END of ACT the FIRST
ACT the SECOND
SCENE ONE –
The pregnancy continues
For weeks I have suffered and chucked
It happens to all when we’re fucked
Those A.M. throw-ups
I think I’ll give ups
It’s about three months, I have checked.
It works if you speak Kiwi!
Sweet Jayne do you suffer as well?
Is your stomach giving you hell?
I know it won’t last
Soon be in the past,
Just when your nice tum starts to swell!
Archie(tte) – At least that bit’s over!
Jayne explained
I’m feeling quite lousy just now,
Oh never again, this I vow,
This child number two,
Is making me spew,
Please carry on mopping my brow.
It’s nice once your belly starts swelling,
And people are constantly telling,
“It isn’t that sore!”
But I’ve been there before,
In nine months I’ll surely be yelling!
Archie(tte), feeling peckish, commented
Don’t know about you, I’ve an urge
On some chinese food for a splurge
I’ll follow it up
With a chocolate cream cup.
I’ve no idea how they will merge!
Archie(tte) – and hold the MSG!
Jayne replied
Last time that I “carried the drum,”
‘Had a penchant for milk in my tum,
Strawberry, banana or chocolate,
Tinned spaghetti on a plate,
Was my favourite meal yum yum yum!!
SCENE TWO –
In which Peter takes a cheap shot
Hey Archie(tte), care to indulge
Us with tales of your twins and divulge
To us whether your state
Means you’re putting on weight
Due to Fosters, 4X, or your bulge.
Mocking me cos I have lost my shape
(We know who committed the rape)
You are very mean
Cos YOU’RE still so lean
While I look just like a big grape!
I’m suff’ring from a shrinking bladder,
My tummy is getting much fatter.
I’ve no-one to hold,
My friends have been told
I’m nothing, except a loose slatter(n)!
This role, single father-to-be,
Gets harder and harder you see.
You know I have sinned,
(Behind your hands grinned).
The Mum runs around cos she’s free!
Archie(tte) – three months to go!
SCENE THREE –
The attraction is still there
I’m being very quiet here!
I’ve learnt my lesson at last.
What’s gone is really the past.
Its legacy, Concerns only me.
I don’t think of you as a Bast.
“ard” tho it is!
Arch! I’m so glad you’re not bitter!
About our forthcoming litter.
If you’re feeling horny
After they’re borny,
Call me! I’ll get a babysitter!
How about it, Toots? I might even bring ya some chocolates
Yay-hey, she wants to play with my horn.
This elegant but raunchy young faun.
Well, if we take care –
And Peter’s not there,
We might take a chance in the morn!
And while with my horn you do play
As back on the bed I do lay
With my old Pan pipes
I’ll soften your gripes
By gently playing “The Rose”, OK?
SCENE FOUR –
A lesson unlearned
Jayne laments
I’m starting to feel rather vexed,
I’m wondering what to do next,
I’ll make an admission,
My pregnant condition,
Is making me feel highly sexed!!
My husband, he often works late,
(He’s got to keep food on our plate…)
Such frustration is mine,
For love I do pine,
As I long for our hips to gyrate.
It was no immaculate conception,
You won’t fall for that old deception,
I’m sure you can guess,
I got in this mess,
Cos I just can’t resist an erection!
Sweet Jayne, yes, I know how you’re feeling
I am climbing walls to the ceiling
This celibacy
Is just not for me –
Would it hurt if we were both kneeling?
Quite stable we’d be, knee to knee,………..(thinks)
After that there’s a problem you see
I’m getting a “pot”
I won’t reach the spot –
And Rover might think we’re a tree!
So lets have a drink of champagne……(a small one, of course)
Oh, No! Now you’ve done it again
Just one glass of Bubbly,
You’ve come over cuddly
– Are you sure we won’t feel any pain?
An offer that I can’t resist?
Now Jayne, there’s no need to insist,
I’ll wriggle to here
(Insertion is near)
I’m afraid I just cannot desist!
Archie(tte) – Oops, it’s happened again!
SCENE FIVE –
Movement!
I think I just felt a small flutter
You’ll think I’m a bit of a nutter
I think the twins moved
(It hasn’t been proved)
My legs they have all turned to butter.
What garbage and nonsense you utter.
Your legs turned to butter, you nutter?
A frisson of pain
Then will drive you insane;
Those contractions are worse than a flutter.
peter
LOS ANGELES (AP) — November 11, 1998
Study says pregnancy, nursing may make women smarter
So it’s SMARTS that I’ve worked at disbursing!
Now pleased with myself, I’ll cease cursing
Knowing I’ve done my part
To make dumb blondes smart
(Well, I DID start my life out with nursing!)
But what of our Wizard of Oz?
If he gets so much smarter because
Of the twins he’ll be nursing
Will he then be cursing
The relative dummy he was?
“soft” John
Oh yes, I was dumb when with E.
Now its too late, I’m a smartie!
When pregnancy rules
I’m like all the fools
“I didn’t think it would happen to me.”
But, John, with a problem I’m cursed
And to advice I’m not averse
So please will you show,
I do need to know
You said that when young you had nursed!
Archie(tte) – They’ll have to go on the bottle unless you let me in on your secret!
So….Hi, you two, kicking around.
I’m sure that your names will abound.
Tho I’m not a shirker,
Your mother’s a lurker
And rarely comes out of her pound*!!!!
Maybe Archie(tte), you young joy,
And possibly Eric, my boy.
These names in my mind
As you bump and grind.
Your mother strange names does employ!
*Just practicing a little bitchiness!
Widdershins will take after you,
(Backwards and lacking a clue)
But Deasil will be
Taking after me:
Forward thinking and timely, too!
Ericka (*gotta* stop reading the dictionary)
The Twins, prenatally, wrote:
Hey Deasil! We’re starting life bad.
I think that our Mummy’s a lad.
I’d say we were screwed –
(he’s that Archie dude)
‘Cept the loverly E. is our Dad!
Hello to AJL from Deasil and Widdershins
(still in the (womb)at Cave)
SCENE SIX –
God Parents
Come along Archie, it’s time to chose Godfathers for the twins…
Wid’s godfather’ll be Funcle Rank
(Will he come to the church in his tank?)
And for daughter Dea
Pray, who will it be?
Please help me, I’m drawing a blank.
Tutta? (I think he’s a bit old) 😉
Petey? No, that would be bold.
H stands apart.
(Because he just fart-
ed.) Who shall our dear Deasil hold?
Tiddy? (a lifetime of pasty!)
MrMalo? (let’s not be hasty!)
I s’pose Kim and Sam
Could wheel the wee pram.
(Themselves being twins of good taste-y.)
All right then, it’s settled at last.
For the kids of the bitch and the bast.
For better or worse,
From cradle to hearse –
Uncle Frank, Kim and Sam – what a cast!
Ericka. (OK with you, Arch?) 😉
Kim’nSam’ll be GodDad & GodMother
To Widdershins but not the other.
For small Deasil
Marlene will fill
One spot and Peter the other!
Archie(tte) – at least I’ll save one of them from the hounds of Hell!
If it’s OK with Arch we’ll be bringing
The church rafters down with our singing
Of limerick hymns
In praise of those twins
So tightly to Archies’ breasts clinging
( as Uncle Frank’s still mad as hell
with Archie for casting that spell
we’d humbly suggest
he might serve us best
in the tower by ringing the bell )
We’ll be proud to be Mom’n’Dad God
And protect them from Frank ( Evil Sod ! )
We’ll assist if you let
Us dear Archie(tte)
As the twins go pop-pop from your bod ?
Kim&Sam [ Gray’s Anatomy open at Obstetrics ]
Does anyone have a good book
On how a Godmother should look
After baby Deasil
(That sweet little weasel)
Dont’ want you to think I’m a schnook.
I have never been a Godmother
I would like to learn from some other
Experienced soul
How to meet this goal.
Will do Archie proud! He’s my brother!
–ML
Marlene- Just fill the kid up with candy,
And ice cream, that’ll be dandy-
Feed ‘im peanuts, too,
Just like at the zoo-
And pour yourself a big glass of brandy!!!! 😉
Kaylin -believe me, you’ll need it!!!! 😉
I too accept Archie’s kind offer …
Marlene a Godfather I be
So some words of advice then from me?
At the christening hold
Little Deasil quite bold-
ly; don’t squeeze – you’ll be covered in pee!
I see Kaylin has sent you advice.
Yes it works (though not terribly nice).
If they’re noisy and frisky
Just ply them with whisky;
They’ll soon be as quiet as mice.
Peter
Godmothering’s being an AUNT!
So there is no question of can’t!
An auntie I be
To kids three times three,
But, liquoring them’s a new slant.
–ML -Thank you all! I CAN do this.
Liquoring kids works just dandy
Some aunties may just give them candy
But when they’re a pain
And you’re going insane
Duct tape will come in very handy
kiss -(You should have thought of that yourself!)
If you sew Velcro to all the kids’ clothes,
They’ll stick to the rugs, I suppose-
But you’ll still need duct tape
To keep them in shape,
“Cause Velcro can’t keep their mouths closed!!!! 😉
BTW-
The booze was intended for you,
But I guess it’ll work on kids, too-
If they give you trouble,
Just pour ’em a double-
Not the good stuff- the cheap stuff will do!!!!
Kaylin – (besides, you know what they say; “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker!!!!)
Drunk and velcroed to the wall
Duct taped to hold them in thrall
If you are willin’
This keeps the chillun¹
Out of harms way after all!
kiss es and another brandy please… the good stuff
¹southern US dialect for “children”
They can fight, and grumble, and cuss,
We’ ll just tie ’em up with a truss-
A little ether will keep
The sweet darlings asleep-
Them chilluns ain’t no match for us!!!!! 😉
Kaylin – make mine a double…….. and it’s ALL good stuff !!!
It’s my twins that you are mistreating
Enough is enough! – You need beating!
I’ll insert a tack
In this wood, and I’ll whack
You hard in the place you’ll be seating!
Archie(tte) – That is MY Widdershins and Deasil you are talking of corrupting! I’m keeping an eye on all of you!
Archie/Archiette – mom and dad
To Widdershins/Deasil, egad!
They’ll be hard to train
Possibly go insane
Which side punishes them when they’re bad?
Arden –
We’re just giving recommendations
To keep children from depredations
Consider the sources
Suggesting the courses
Of child control innovations ;>)
kiss
Archie(ette) seems to be pissed-
He’s going to beat us, he hissed!
He doesn’t want our help,
That ungrateful whelp-
So I guess we must cease and desist!!!! ;-(
Kaylin -and we had such wonderful ideas……..
Kaylin!!
Your ideas can fit with your own
Grandchildren, who make your kids moan
By being quite bad.
They’re driving them mad.
They’re wild oats they shouldn’t have sown!
But my two will be quite all right.
Perfect, and with never a fight.
By just speaking once
(They’ll know I’m no dunce)
I’ll make them behave and be bright!
Their behaviour will always be mild
They’ll not mess the things I have filed.
They’ll clean up their rooms,
Know how to use brooms,
And I will not ever be riled.
Archie(tte) – Kids respond to love and have a natural respect for authority. And their “E” genes will make sure they are beautiful.
When they left the kid in my care,
I tightened the springs in his chair-
When I let it go—
Wow!!! Look at him go!!!!
He flew fourteen feet in the air!!!!
I hate to shatter your illusions,
But I’m sure that you’re having delusions-
The only sure way
To get kids to obey
Is with massive Valium infusions!!!
Archie(tte)— I have a degree
In the field of child psychology—
You know that I speak
With tongue in cheek—
I love children(and what’s more, they love me!!!)
We wouldn’t hurt your little Detzel,
Nor even your Weinersnetzel-
We’d never mistreat ’em
(Unless we must beat ’em,
And then tie ’em up like a pretzel !)
kaylin
*Kaylin* informed me about liquor
And I should have written this quicker
I tested booze out
And that is, no doubt
Why I have been home feeling sicker.
I guess I won’t feed it to Deasil
It might give the poor kid a measle
It made me write strange stuff
And if that’s not enough
I’ve been acting just like a weasel.
–ML testing again. No, a gin, tonight — can you tell?
Here’s a fact that is truly ironic:
While indulging in gin & tonic-
A little makes you feel great,
But a lot seals your fate-
Feels like a plague, maybe bubonic!!!!
Kaylin
Don’t worry, Sis, you will be fine
With “D”, that nice daughter of mine
You just have to be there
To tell her beware
Of nasties that lurk just like slime!
And knit her some BooTies and things
In green or in pink, and make wings
When she stars in school plays
And plays Angel Faye
And then her beaut solo she sings!
Archie(tte) – you’re a natural, Sis!
SCENE SEVEN –
A concerned Godparent
Hey Archie, as Godfather to
Unborn Deasil, a question for you;
Will I have to be bold
When she’s christened and hold
Her? I fear I’m allergic to poo …
… and wet pee. Please ensure that she wears
Plastic rompers (say 22 pairs).
Will you also please wrap
Her backside in diap-
ers in several waterproof layers?
Now Marty is knitting some booties
And bonnets. I’ve seen ’em; they’re cuties.
But what should I do
For sweet Deasil when due?
I’m a little unclear ’bout my duties.
Getting nervous already.
oh…is someone expecting a tot?
about this I know quite a lot
I have two of my own
and they are only half grown
so we still talk of boogers and snot
as godfather you know that you must
put plenty of money in trust
then the child, Im sure
will never be poor
and never have to beg for a crust
Jule§
The things that occur in Limland –
I played once with Ericka and
I’m now very pregnant.
(She’s only a vagrant
Who travels with Peter in hand!)
She named the twins, preempting me!
They’re Deasil and Widdershins to be.
They are one of each,
Oh, ain’t life a beetch –
And now I keep wanting to pee!
She had all the fun and I was left carrying the babies!
Now Peter, me North Pommy mate,
There’s no need to get in a state.
For Karen will hold,
Cos she’s really bold,
And Deasil will be best behaved!
It’s Widdershins’ I’m not sure ’bout.
If he’s in a church he might shout.
I think he’ll be bad
(Forgot who’s God-Dad) Was it Uncle Frank?
And he might turn into a lout!
There’s only three weeks now to go
And “E”‘ll be a Mum, don’t you know
But she’s had no worry –
It’s I who am sorry.
I hate watching my figure go!
Twins! After they’re born, I’m staying right away from “E”!
You don’t want me there. No way!
Let’s get that straight now. OK…
You must want Em El
Who thinks kids are swell
She’ll knit little booTies all day
kiss
SCENE EIGHT-
A Fortnight to go
My gynies, Docs Handsup and Grope
Have convinced me that I cannot cope.
I’ll have a cesaerian
To just please ary’em.
They must think I am really a dope
But Ericka’s away having vac
While, stuck here, I’m just a sad sack.
She will miss the birth –
Won’t make it to Perth –
I hope I’m not on the wrong track.
Archie(tte) – The Docs said – about a fortnight now!
The support was somewhat mixed
You’re about to de-oven the buns!
The God-P’s are poised; knitting’s done.
Remember to squeeeeeze
(and uncross your knees)
And don’t forget how to have fun !
How long after the birth will it be
till you’re back in the saddle with E
and the rest of us chicks ?
– ditch the checks and clinics
and make an appointment with me…
Lucy
Dear Archie, I offer my help
should *E* not be there as you whelp
your son and your daughter.
I’ll boil up the water
and hold your hand tight as you yelp !
Duke Dillon
Relax, its just like shelling peas..
each of mine were born as I sneezed.
Once you start to crack
theres no turning back
so ..act like a woman…and SQUEEEEEZE!
Jule§
Deasil’s Godfather soon I will be.
I’m quite practised at cradling wee
Little babes in my arms,
But despite all my charms
They seem always to pee on my knee!
Peter – OK if I wear diving gear to the christening?
Oh you sissy, you pussy, you coward,
Just remember why you were deflowered
To continue the race,
So put on a brave face
And bring forth a strong son (name him Howard).
Ken Rose
Dear Archie (the one who’s bygone),
I’ll see you next life, don’t be long.
E’en if you ‘carnate
As sea ray or skate,
Archiette and her spawn shall lim on.
-=H=- Ah, the great circle of life…
Thanks for all your support, you see,
It’s the first time it’s happened to me.
I’m so heavy and big
I’m just a fat pig
And, please, wait, I’ve gotta go pee!
Archie(tte) – I’ll be glad when this is over – A good nights sleep is in order!
Dear Archie:
The Canadian flag I’ve unfurled!
On my balloon trip around the world!
I know you’re soon due,
But *I’ve* got a life too!
(And the last time I saw you, you hurled!)
I’d make Perth for the birth of kinfolky,
But the Chinese just can’t take a jokey.
They said,” You no fry
In our big brue sky!”
And then locked me up in the pokey.
Ericka. (Anyone got an English/Chinese dictionary?) (Moo Goo Guy Pan?)
END of ACT the SECOND
ACT the THIRD
The birth and the congratulations.
I’m proud to annouce to the group
That I have now increased our troop
The awaited twins
To the world have come ins
The new Daddy just has to stoop!
It was just as I was afearin’
I had to have a caeserian
They cut open my tum
(Which was not much fun)
And inside the Doctors were peerin’.
16th Jan, 1999, at Perth, to Archie and Ericka – twins – Deasil and Widdershins – Children and Father all well – Mother off gallivanting – again!
Congrats on the birth of your twins,
Baby Deasil and young Widdershins;
But they don’t look like E;
I’m afraid I can see
That they’ve both got your hair and your chins!
Peter
Neath Deasil’s clean nappy I’ve found
A birthmark both coloured and round.
It fits one on E
Exact to a “t” –
Her maternity’s really quite sound!
She is as beautiful as her mother tho ….
And Widdy is not looking silly
He’s mine, tho he’s clothed somewhat frilly
“E” knows of the kink
I’ve got – well, I think
That Widdy’s got just the same willy!
And he’ll be a devil of a legspinner
So the crumbcrushers have finally emerged
From your body they’ve just now emerged
Next time use protection
On that penile erection
When again you get the fucking urge! 😉
Arden – (2 more to add to the planetary population…)
Bet those twins got a terrible fright
When first they took in the sight
Of their father/mother
Cause there ain’t no other
Kids who have such an unusual plight
Arden
Congratulations to Deasil, Widdershins!
These two for sure are handsome twins.
But I agree with Arden,
When the next time you harden,
Use a cover before you begins.
— Petunia
engaging in copulation
and increasing the population
by 2 at a time
though it isnt a crime
is certainly opulation!
mr malo
Aargh, more little mutinous spawn!
I curse this day’s dusk and it’s dawn!
I’ll mark it in black,
And scratch on my sac,
And contemplate all with a yawn….
-=Capt. H=- 😉
“I’m sure the babes all will enchant,”
Says this proud godmother and aunt.
But, Arch, get a clue:
When girls say “Will you…”
Say, “Oh, no, Ma’am, I really can’t!”
–Marty
Congrats on your very fine pair,
Now you won’t have much lim time to spare!
We’ll allow you to lurk,
Cos it’s very hard work,
And you’ll just want to sleep in the chair..
Jayne
Well, Archie, I offer congrats
On the birth of your little rug-rats;
Keep them warm and happy
By changing their nappie,
Don’t let them become little brats!!!
Kaylin
So Archie is now a proud mother.
With love, those two kids he can smother,
And keep happy, secure.
One thing he’ll do for sure
Is tend to one end or the other.
Pilar
Hey, Archie, You gonna breast feed?
Have you got all the milk they will need?
Your bosom must bee
At least 44C,
To satisfy all of their greed.
Tiddy.
The advice that we K’s thought so dandy
You’ve declined but it may yet be handy
Don’t forget – liquor’s quick
And duct tape will stick
Then there’s velcro and closets and candy
kiss – But, congratulations on your delivery into insanity…
Our advice was great— damned if it weren’t!
But our wisdom Archi(ette) spurnt—-
So I guess he’ll find out,
(‘Fore much longer, no doubt!)
What the rest of us already learnt—–
Which is the fact that kids are a pain,
Without sense to come in from the rain—
They’ll take all your cash,
Won’t take out the trash,
And cause ulcers from much stress and strain!!!!
kaylin -just kidding, Arch! Please don’t beat me….again!
Marlene called in from the wilds of Wyoming with some problems of her own.
I’m thankful to be a Godmother
And able to stand for my brother
Dear Archie’s sweet twins
(Though not Widdershins)
I’ll help care for Deasil, the other!
I’m thankful I finally found
That centipede out on the ground.
His legs had been crushed.
His whole body mushed
Into one little tiny dead mound.
I’m thankful my toes are quite short
And are not the long, hairy sort
They can pick up stuff.
(But that’s quite enough
Of this current digit report.)
I’m thankful I’m going to see
My littlest niece, who likes me
She claims “her Marnene”
And creates a scene
That makes me just happy to BE.
–ML {Braving the wilds of Wyoming!}
I’d love to be there, Arch, today,
But I’m stuck here in St Tropez!
The sun and the seas
And the male bikinis
Are a drag. But I feel I should stay.
Prince Rainier’s dropping by tonight.
Seems Monaco now is just fright-
fully boring, old bean,
Since *I’ve* left the scene.
(He calls me his Nordic Delight!)
So listen, Arch – congratulations on whatever-their-names are! And I’ll get there as soon as I possibly can! Love & Kisses and all that rot, Ericka.
END of ACT the THIRD
ACT the FOURTH
In which it is shown that leopards find it well nigh impossible to change their spots, that modesty is not always a mother’s nature and that there are some disturbing things happening in the nursery.
SCENE ONE –
Anger and lust join together
You might be a real lousy mudder
But I want to suck on your udder
And remove all your gear
To bury my spear –
But this time I will use a rubber!
You named the little brats – Already you are a hopeless mudder! At least try to remember their names – and I have a hospital bill for you to pay!
Archie, dahling…
Prince R. has told me I should get
To know little Windy and Wet.
So Archie, you win –
I’ll visit those twin
Little Ozkids I helped to beget.
BUT…
I’m wearing a new gown, quite hot!
It’s designer – you’ll like it a lot.
(If those kids bomb it
With projectile vomit,
I’ll be out of there like a shot!)
And while you are staying in Perth –
I have got quite randy post-birth
And you’ve won first prize –
You’ll be surprised
At how I have now lost my girth
I know I’m well out of strict training
But I can now screw without straining
So E, shall we fiddle
With some slap and tickle?
And we will soon cease all refraining?
It’s good to see your lovely tits
And all those other nice bits – –
Oh Widdy, you brat
I’ll have to clean that –
Oh bugger, he spews and he spits!
Don’t leave a fine upstanding man like me, like this – I’ll make it up to you – promise
SCENE TWO –
A disappearence
The twin’s mother pleaded:
This is Earth to Archive Twenty Three.
Come in, Archie. Do you read me?
(Alien abduction?
with brain matter suction?
Are you getting the third degree?)
Or judging an Aus. spelling bee?
Or just footloose and fancy-free?
Or circling the mulberry tree?
Or mating that damn chimpanzee?
Or girl’s mud-wrestling referee?
Ericka. (Mother Earth) Where the hell are you, Arch?
Um, Ericka, my travelling lass,
I’ve left the twins, I’m chasing ass,
But they are not alone
There is help left at home-
Damien, baby sitter with class!
A helpful young lad he’s become
Quite fond of the twins, that’s our son
And our daughter most dear.
He said, “Never fear.”
He sounds so much better than some.
Archie – and I only have to pay him a dollar an hour!
SCENE THREE –
Supporting the twins
Dear Peter, I need your stuffin’
Your bod, your rod, and handcuffin’
While I wait for your ans-
wer, I’ll take off my pants,
And start in on buffin’ the muffin!
Love, Petal (put your metal to the Petal?) 😉
I’m getting my webcam set up
Some pictures to get as you tup
And I know I’m a cad
And totally bad
But I’m looking for something corrup(t)
Some handcuffs will help set the stage
Red panties will make us all rage
Some black silken whips
And nude pierc-ed nips
And a beastie thats locked in a cage!
(With all profits reverting to me
I’ll feed young Widdy and Dea
I won’t need welfare
To bring up that pair)
It is to be called “Whop E”!
Archie(tte) – purely a commercial proposition.
SCENE FOUR –
A little byplay
Deær Ærchie,
It’s beæn æons since I’ve heærd from you!
Seæms your vowæls ære bound up with gluæ!
You need to æscribe… ær…
To eæting more fibre,
Ænd creæting more lims in hære too!
(How *are* little Burp and Fart anyway?)
Oh Ærickæ, nice thæt you speak
This tongue, giving Ænglish the fleek!
I understænd well,
(you’re mæking me swæll).
Come sæe the twins sometime næxt wæk
They have mostly stopped barfing over dresses now!
remembering those long ago assignations!
Do you mean those times that you snuck
Into my bedroom, you big schmuck?
While wearing disguise,
You did compromise
Me by talking me into a ….. assignation?
(Oh. I see what you mean) 😉
This Ærchie keeps trying his luck
He’s subtle, like a big Mack truck.
His need’s not confusing
He just wants to be using
His assegi for a quick ….. jab!
Why didn’t that rhyme?? i was going well until then!
SCENE FIVE –
A hint of something strange
Hi Arch! I’m in Honolulu.
(Just bought myself a new muumuu)
I thought I’d drop by
While I’m on the fly,
And visit the twins and you you.
Make sure that Wid hasn’t eaten!
I’ve no desire for repeatin’
That awful green mess
On my brand new dress,
Helluva wet, sticky greetin’!
And Arch, in the mail just today,
What *are* these big bills,anyway?
For bananas? a ton?
And Lamaze for a mon-
key? Airfare from Oz to L.A.?
Oh, E, you’re in your new muumuu;
What I’m wearing comes off quick too.
Let us both get nude
And we’ll fondle quite lewd
And finish it off with a screw!
I’ve missed your delectable bod
Thats why I have such a hard rod.
I know I’m a slut,
But with you I must rut
I’m sorry if that makes me odd. . . . . .
Great to here from you again – those bills are all to do with the kids – honest – expensive little buggers!
SCENE SIX –
The strangeness in the nursery is explained
When twins get their teeth they are bitey
And toys will make both of them fighty
So I keep them locked up
In attic they sup
They’re quiet and so pale and so whitey
Ærchie – and their co-parent hasn’t seen them for nearly a year!!!!
Oh look, is that Weasel and Dee?
But no, wait! From what I can see
Those are not the two
Kids *I* had with you!
What are you off-pawning on me??
Ericka. ;-( (who already pays support for the twins and Archie’s monkey-daughter)
Oh E, will you please do your sums
And think of how often kids comes
I know you cant see
But it’s Weasel and Dee
And BOTH have now got dirty bums
Monkeygirl was a sheer accident.
The chimp was a chance heaven sent.
I wasn’t to know
Just what was to grow – – –
(And PLEASE will you help pay the rent??)
Ærchie – Weasel said “mom” the other day
Tiddy enquired of Ærchie:
In Ericka’s message to you
I thought that I’d learned something new.
A very strange hint,
Or just a misprint,
Have *you* got an ape daughter too?
For Arch, since you’ve been far away,
A lovely young child came my way.
She’s a visual delight,
Just look on my site,
If ever you go there one day.
Ærchie replied to Tiddy:
Now Tiddy I’ve just done my duty
Seen Crinn, and she is such a beauty
But my young ape daughter
Is ugly and sorta
Like the twins, not much of a cutey.
Its Ericka’s fault I was randy
That Chimp was all that was handy
I took a quick chance
And dropped down my pants
I thought a quick boff would be dandy
Well, just a few weeks from that screw
Don’t ask how, I just bloody knew
That chimp did to me
The same as did E.
I’m glad it was one and not two!
END of ACT the FOURTH
ACT the FIFTH
The twins grow up and the parents are part time
SCENE ONE –
Our Pete and our E one more time
Were bouncing around in some rhyme
Their rhythm anapestic
Should have had them arrestic
Such fun should be made a bad crime!
Where’s Pete and his Pet , I have cried,
I love how each other you ride.
So I hope that this thing
Is not one last fling
(And “E”, want a bit on the side?)
Peter replied
Well, Petal’s been busy of late
With your Deezil and Widdershins, mate;
Too exhausted and fraught
To cavort as she ought
And it’s *you* who’s to blame for her state.
And Ericka revealed the true problem –
she was trying to be a mother
Dear Arch so good of you to say
That you’ll take the kids back today.
I know you’ve been missing
The moaning and pissing –
I Canberra see you this way.
(At last Peter, now we are free!
Wagga Wagga your Dingo at me
‘Til my Cunnamulla
Is really chock fulla
Your Cooma. How ’bout it, Sweet P?)
can’t wait to visit Dongara!
I see that young Jon has his Carol
Spreadeagled and over a barrel;
So now is the time
The Blue Mountains to climb
(Though you won’t need no climbing apparel).
You first; I shall follow behind
For the sight of your ass is inclined
To inspire me to heights
Of romantic delights ..
Half way up I shall give you a grind.
So *this* is Oz!
Do I hear some lightning and thunder?
Or is it a Foster’s caused chunder?
We’re all getting wet
Cos it’s Pete and his Pet
And both of them coming down-under!
Cant wait to see how your bunyips
From E I’ve received Wid’s and Dee
With house rules they will not agree
So whatever the cost
They’re now in the post (oops)
To Anglia and their Uncle P!
The twins were delivered today
Along with a bundle of hay.
Until they’re of age
I am hiring a cage
In the zoo and that’s where they will stay.
SCENE TWO –
A disappearence
Someone asked where Archie was – – –
The last I saw Archie was back
In the Andes atop a pack yak,
On the way to his farm
With a twin in each arm
And Ron, the keyboard, in a sack.
He told me to say fare-the-well
To everyone at AJL.
(But his sister Marlene
Says he’s now a drag queen,
Modeling his way right to hell.)
Ericka – proud co-parent of Archie’s twins.
Arch? you’ll always be queen of my heart.
Marlene replied –
I never said any such thing!
I think I said Archie’s a king
In charge of a harem
And he likes to scare ’em
By brandishing his ding-a-ling!
Marty – Actually — I think he’s off … er … finding himself
SCENE THREE –
More travelling – and an invitation
Well Archie McFur-face O’Day!
I hear you moved out Sydney way?
Are the virgin-birth
Twins still in Perth?
Or are *they* what’s led you astray?
Ericka – are you and Wid on the run from the law?? again?
Now Arch has been in quite a tizz
The twins run around in a whizz
It is such a fright
If they’re out of sight
Although here at least they dont frizz
I thought you had deserted me.
Dear Archie, (old fart of my heart)
Too long now, have we been apart!
Come up to the snow
From that hell below,
For beavertails and hot choc-o-lart.
graduate of the Archie school of rhyme
How welcome that invite does sound
To travel the world half way round
And then at the end
Our love we will mend –
I’ll melt all the ice on your mound
graduate of the Ericka school of travelling lust.
I think she is rather distraught
For she’s wondering why you have taught
Them already ’bout cricket
And made them keep wicket
While bowling them leg-breaks for sport.
I’ve tried to teach them healthy sports
But both twins are very strange sorts
For Dee loves to prance
And Weas in a trance
They both look for sailors in ports
SCENE FOUR –
The twins continue to grow –
and develop in unexpected ways
Sometimes young Dee’s eyes simply glow
At dusk when the sky’s indigo
And then she will hide –
Maybe take a ride-
My broomstick’s now got vertigo!
Ever tried to brush cobwebs with a broom that is scared of heights?
And now it is Halloween.
I wanted to sweep up today
And couldn’t find where my broom lay
I looked all around,
It couldn’t be found
And neither could Deasil all day!
After lunch the cat gave a big squawk
And I found I was missing a fork
I heard Widdy laugh
And a moo from the calf
At questions I think I shall balk!
There’s just this one dirty great toad
Which I found out there in the road
It was bringing a mouse
Back into the house
And off to the milk bowl it strode!
And Dea is now muttering and pointing
At Wid who I think she’s anointing
About a familiar
Or something quite similiar
And now she is saying “disjointing”
For she has come back with the broom
I know t’wasn’t up in her room
She weren’t in the street
Or using her feet
And the broom is now needing a groom!
I dont know what Kids do today
This stuff seems much more than just play
They are not yet three
And yet I can see
Already they’re starting to stray!
Their Mother’s run off again and left me to cope
END of ACT the FIFTH
FINIS
for the moment
Some peanuts, or popcorn or candy?
Please keep all your cash really handy
It’s the end of the show
Before you can go
Have something to eat that is dandy!
Wids and DeaThe Twins; A Limerick Play in Five Acts
Posted on December 8, 2013 by archiearchive FCD
Presented for your entertainment
is a drama entitled
THE TWINS
An immorality play which goes from here to interminable.
Starring Purple as Ericka and Blue as Archie(tte)
Supporting them we have Olive playing the part of Marty, Maroon as Kaylin and Orange as kiss.
There are cameo appearances by Lime as Jayne, Navy as Peter, Teal as Kim&Sam and Red as Joie. Omnes (Tiddy, Arden, Pilar, Lucy, Duke Dillon, Jule§, Ken Rose, H, Petunia, “soft” John and mr malo) are played by Gray
Special appearences by Widdy and Deasil are in Aqua
The Narrator is Black and the fault is all Archie’s!
The copyright in all these limericks remain the property of the perpetrators.
INTRODUCTION from stage left.
The quiet AJL garden
Invaded by Arch with no pardon
Was home to the girls
Who had discreet whirls
With men they knew they could harden.
But in there this Arch was uncouth
Instead of just one he’d take two’th
And tho it’s absurd
Sometimes he’s a third
Or a fourth, I only tell truth.
The prettiest girl of them all
Was E, who held Peter in thrall.
This elegant pair
Who’s mighty affair
Caused greed which led Arch to his fall.
Tho his boss was only a knave.
Young Pete had to work like a slave;
A small stipend ekes
While working for weeks
away he trusts E to behave.
So Arch saw a chance he could seize
And quickly gave E a lewd squeeze
He looked in her eyes
He told her sweet lies
And finally even said “please”.
To forces quite irresistable
Morality soon becomes twistable;
E’s thoughts of her Pete
Succumbed to new meat –
This tale then became inevistable!
END of the PREAMBLE
THE TWINS
ACT the FIRST
In which a philanderer gets his just desserts, green booties are knitted, some token morality is discussed and nature is turned upside down.
SCENE ONE –
A shock announcement
On the 12th of September, 1998, Ericka wrote:
Archie, my wild Aussie brother!
‘Been screwing around with two other.
Your waist it’s affecting
‘Cause now you’re expecting –
And you don’t even know who’s the mother!
Ericka. (Congratulations!)
A shocked reply was uttered;:
This morning I felt somewhat ill
I chucked my breakfast like a dill
I hate being sick
It makes me feel ick
My tummy I now dare not fill!
I can’t be preggers, you big dope
With offspring I never could cope.
(I’ll pee right on cue –
My God it’s turned BLUE!
Tell me, what does this mean to you?)
Archie – perplexed
Dr. Petal here, Arch, at bedside.
My concern was indeed justified!
We’ve tested your pee
(My assistant and me)
And *both* of the rabbits have died.
Ericka Looks like it’s twins, Archie!
I can’t believe what you just said
I wish this script could be unread
I’m having some twins?
(Hope they don’t have fins!)
But I’ve no tits – they won’t be fed!
Archie – (Wringing hands) What am I going to do? And if any one suggests “Just grin and bear it” I’ll climb right into this computer and bite your fingers off!
Jayne taunted
So a happy event is to come!
In 9 months you’ll be someones “mum!”
Which girls have you had?
I know you’ve been bad,
Quite often your nuts are left numb.
It is possible, yes I can see,
That the mother could maybe be me,
I’m glad that it’s YOU,
Who will run to the loo,
And have haemarroids and stretchmarks you’ll see!!
You must think I am very dumb
(Obviously not doing my sums)
But I haven’t a clue
As to who, just who
Can possibly have been the Mum!
Archie – (reminiscing) Now there was you, Jayne (often), Joie (twice), Ericka (twice) and Ardens twin sister (but that was only a “Monica job”). Now the rest of you will think I’m just a slut!
Oh goody, now I can sleep around (safely)
No more eggs my sperm they will found.
Those motile young ova
Have just done me over
Very soon I will be quite round!
Archie – footloose and fancy free – for the next – how long does this take???? Could be the longest thread ever!
SCENE TWO –
Musings
I will have to think what to do.
Unmarried Dads, a problem, true.
If I knew who was Mum,
Dad’d get out his gun;
A wedding would take place quite soo(n).
But, trust me, that won’t happen here,
Maybe an abortion, I fear
Thats not the answer,
I might get a cancer
And lose everything I hold dear!
Of course there’s adoption, that’s hard,
Small kids growing up without Dard.
And I know I’ll grieve
When seeing it leave
And I’d cry if I let down my guard!
Oh, girls, I will need your advice
On handling results of my vice
To carry to term
Or treat like a germ
I’m confused, and not very nice!
Archie – Someone else wondered if there was a subject that couldn’t be covered by lims. There is some serious morality here!
kisskaren replied
After all of the years women carried
The babies without being married
Or without man’s support
I do now purport
It’s justice that you are now harried
Not “you”, Archie, personally
But the men throughout history
Who kept us so weak
We hardly dared speak
What goes ’round comes ’round, naturally
And it’s too bad for you that its you
But I think in the end you will do
Fine with babies
And maybe of maybes
You’ll make up a history that’s true
But in this revisionist world
When the courts have finally uncurled
The twist and the turns
Of who’s were the sperms
The dirt on us all will be hurled
SCENE THREE –
Some help at last
Marty arrived with an offer of help –
So — Archie is pregnant, they say.
Has this been confirmed, by the way?
You’ve had ultrasound
On that little mound?
Do you know when is your due day?
If I knew to use pink or blue
I would knit a bunting for you
Well, it’d be for the baby
Unless you think, maybe,
That you will be needing one too.
Have you planned the baby’s layette?
Know how many diapers to get?
Because you’re a man:
The formula plan
And get baby bottles: one set.
My gosh, there’s so much to do.
Does not sound like you have a clue!
Go purchase a crib
And new baby bib
And one diaper pail for the loo!
–ML {Well, we know it isn’t mine!}
My friend, Marlene, thanks for your help.
In March of next year I will whelp.
The ultrasound things
Confirmed it is twins
Having them I think I will yelp!
I’ve worked out the ova donor –
With Ericka I lost my honour!
With Peter away
E and I did play
I then lost a duel aloner.
For your knitting help, I thank you
But you will be knitting for two!
It’s a bit of a stink,
But I need some in pink
For her, and for him, some in blue!
These diapers (called nappies down here)
Sound grotty and smelly, I fear.
Some use of Duct Tape
Could contain the pape
And might even stop them from wee’r!
But with all the rest of the stuff
I’m truly confused quite enough.
What size do I get
Not used to it yet
Please help me while I’m up the duff.
Archie(tte) – Now the identity crisis is kicking in. Should I keep taking the tablets?
My fingers will fall off by March
I must knit two buntings for Arch,
One for my dear Cat
One for Kris, ‘sides that.
I’ll make them the shades of the Larch.
–ML {stretching it there — they’ll be nice green ones, why stereotype babies with pink and blue?}
SCENE FOUR –
Evasion of responsibility
But Archie, our un-safe sex wasn’t *all* my fault…
You said *rhythm* method, you knew it.
(But somehow, somewhere, you blew it.)
You danced a soft-shoe
And sang me some blues
And said, “There. I think *that* should do it!”
Ericka. (Never trust a singing, dancing Australian)
Doc Petal, you’ll have to be changed,
As Mother you’ll be quite deranged.
Doc’s Handup and Grope –
I think they will cope.
My plumbing they will rearrange!
Archie(tte) – I’ve had the DNA tested!
Must I now change my name to Erick?
My eggs never left me – I swearick!
Yes, Archie, I think
You had too much to drink
During our one day affairick!
My spurs racked your *brain*, you agree?
You can’t pin those nappies on me!
It isn’t my fault!
I was *here* at dot alt.
Writing lims to my darling Sweet P!
Ericka (Archie, I’m nearly positive that Jayne is to blame!)
Joie de Vivre commented,“and I couldn’t agree with Ericka more!”
Well it certainly couldn’t be me
We canoodled just once by the sea
On my trip down-under.
No sexual blunder
Took place. I’ll tell y’all for free.
The next time in Archie’s van
He tried it on. (Typical man!)
“I’ll warm up your body
Without a hot-toddy”
The offer was there… but I ran!!
0:-) Halo polished and protesting her innocence!
I’ve checked out the dates and the sums
I’m no longer naive or just dumb.
The labs did the test
I know all the rest.
I know who put what in my tum!
But isn’t it just like a girl,
My privates you just had to twirl!
You had your nights fun,
And now that you’re done
You leave with your dress all a’swirl!
I fell for your charms so pronounced
And on to me you did then pounce
You had your fun lay
And now I must pay
Don’t blame me if I fairly flounce!
Archie – No, It wasn’t Jayne! I really don’t want to have to get friend Marlene to start maternity proceedings against you. No, No! That’s not a threat, just a very sincere wish! (But you are acting just like all those other women who get us poor ignorant men pregnant and then run away from your resposibilities!)
Archie, it takes two to get pregnant, you know!
Archie, I know you’re perceptive.
When I offered, you were receptive.
And,(having the knob)
It *is* the man’s job
To look after things contraceptive!
Ericka (you didn’t hold up your end, Archie.)
I suppose we could get hitched but…
You’re an old West Aus. man
I’m a young lass from East Can.
“Good eye, mite” you say
While I’m “Gidday, eh?”
My snowfall is your summer tan.
In drains, you’re counter-,I’m clock-
wise. How strangely you talk!
You’re spring and I’m fall.
You’re short and I’m tall.
You’re cricket and I am basebalk. (Archie school of rhyme)
So Arch, I’m afraid I’ll vamoose.
Ere you go forth and reproduce.
It won’t ever work.
We’d both be beserk.
You’re Wombat. I’m Canada Goose.
Ericka. (These mixed marriages are destined to fail.) (Now if you’d been *Platypus*, well, maybe…)
No, Ericka, we will not wed
Although you once forced me in bed!
I have my own life
I don’t need a wife,
But my bank balance it will be red!
So all that I want is that you
Take some of the care that is due
You said, “Go to Hell”
That out you won’t shell
But now you will pay or I’ll sue!
Archie(tte) – feeling lost, lonely and litiginous!
Archie, let’s get one thing straight, (no, not that)
*You* were the one couldn’t wait!
You said I forced you
When I intercoursed you,
But *I* never asked for round eight.
Ericka. 😉 (Ding! There’s the bell for round 9!)
Boo hoo boo boo hoo boo boo hoo
No, Ericka, you are so cru……(gulp, gulp, sniffle…el)
You thought it a jape
When me you did rape
Then blamed the result on me to!
You’re cov’ring up your guilty ass
By claiming that I made the pass.
But can you not see,
That this pregnancy
Was caused by the both of us, lass?
Archie(tte) – You wouldn’t go and leave me in the lurch, would you??? sniffle. 8.-( see the tear?
END of ACT the FIRST
ACT the SECOND
SCENE ONE –
The pregnancy continues
For weeks I have suffered and chucked
It happens to all when we’re fucked
Those A.M. throw-ups
I think I’ll give ups
It’s about three months, I have checked.
It works if you speak Kiwi!
Sweet Jayne do you suffer as well?
Is your stomach giving you hell?
I know it won’t last
Soon be in the past,
Just when your nice tum starts to swell!
Archie(tte) – At least that bit’s over!
Jayne explained
I’m feeling quite lousy just now,
Oh never again, this I vow,
This child number two,
Is making me spew,
Please carry on mopping my brow.
It’s nice once your belly starts swelling,
And people are constantly telling,
“It isn’t that sore!”
But I’ve been there before,
In nine months I’ll surely be yelling!
Archie(tte), feeling peckish, commented
Don’t know about you, I’ve an urge
On some chinese food for a splurge
I’ll follow it up
With a chocolate cream cup.
I’ve no idea how they will merge!
Archie(tte) – and hold the MSG!
Jayne replied
Last time that I “carried the drum,”
‘Had a penchant for milk in my tum,
Strawberry, banana or chocolate,
Tinned spaghetti on a plate,
Was my favourite meal yum yum yum!!
SCENE TWO –
In which Peter takes a cheap shot
Hey Archie(tte), care to indulge
Us with tales of your twins and divulge
To us whether your state
Means you’re putting on weight
Due to Fosters, 4X, or your bulge.
Mocking me cos I have lost my shape
(We know who committed the rape)
You are very mean
Cos YOU’RE still so lean
While I look just like a big grape!
I’m suff’ring from a shrinking bladder,
My tummy is getting much fatter.
I’ve no-one to hold,
My friends have been told
I’m nothing, except a loose slatter(n)!
This role, single father-to-be,
Gets harder and harder you see.
You know I have sinned,
(Behind your hands grinned).
The Mum runs around cos she’s free!
Archie(tte) – three months to go!
SCENE THREE –
The attraction is still there
I’m being very quiet here!
I’ve learnt my lesson at last.
What’s gone is really the past.
Its legacy, Concerns only me.
I don’t think of you as a Bast.
“ard” tho it is!
Arch! I’m so glad you’re not bitter!
About our forthcoming litter.
If you’re feeling horny
After they’re borny,
Call me! I’ll get a babysitter!
How about it, Toots? I might even bring ya some chocolates
Yay-hey, she wants to play with my horn.
This elegant but raunchy young faun.
Well, if we take care –
And Peter’s not there,
We might take a chance in the morn!
And while with my horn you do play
As back on the bed I do lay
With my old Pan pipes
I’ll soften your gripes
By gently playing “The Rose”, OK?
SCENE FOUR –
A lesson unlearned
Jayne laments
I’m starting to feel rather vexed,
I’m wondering what to do next,
I’ll make an admission,
My pregnant condition,
Is making me feel highly sexed!!
My husband, he often works late,
(He’s got to keep food on our plate…)
Such frustration is mine,
For love I do pine,
As I long for our hips to gyrate.
It was no immaculate conception,
You won’t fall for that old deception,
I’m sure you can guess,
I got in this mess,
Cos I just can’t resist an erection!
Sweet Jayne, yes, I know how you’re feeling
I am climbing walls to the ceiling
This celibacy
Is just not for me –
Would it hurt if we were both kneeling?
Quite stable we’d be, knee to knee,………..(thinks)
After that there’s a problem you see
I’m getting a “pot”
I won’t reach the spot –
And Rover might think we’re a tree!
So lets have a drink of champagne……(a small one, of course)
Oh, No! Now you’ve done it again
Just one glass of Bubbly,
You’ve come over cuddly
– Are you sure we won’t feel any pain?
An offer that I can’t resist?
Now Jayne, there’s no need to insist,
I’ll wriggle to here
(Insertion is near)
I’m afraid I just cannot desist!
Archie(tte) – Oops, it’s happened again!
SCENE FIVE –
Movement!
I think I just felt a small flutter
You’ll think I’m a bit of a nutter
I think the twins moved
(It hasn’t been proved)
My legs they have all turned to butter.
What garbage and nonsense you utter.
Your legs turned to butter, you nutter?
A frisson of pain
Then will drive you insane;
Those contractions are worse than a flutter.
peter
LOS ANGELES (AP) — November 11, 1998
Study says pregnancy, nursing may make women smarter
So it’s SMARTS that I’ve worked at disbursing!
Now pleased with myself, I’ll cease cursing
Knowing I’ve done my part
To make dumb blondes smart
(Well, I DID start my life out with nursing!)
But what of our Wizard of Oz?
If he gets so much smarter because
Of the twins he’ll be nursing
Will he then be cursing
The relative dummy he was?
“soft” John
Oh yes, I was dumb when with E.
Now its too late, I’m a smartie!
When pregnancy rules
I’m like all the fools
“I didn’t think it would happen to me.”
But, John, with a problem I’m cursed
And to advice I’m not averse
So please will you show,
I do need to know
You said that when young you had nursed!
Archie(tte) – They’ll have to go on the bottle unless you let me in on your secret!
So….Hi, you two, kicking around.
I’m sure that your names will abound.
Tho I’m not a shirker,
Your mother’s a lurker
And rarely comes out of her pound*!!!!
Maybe Archie(tte), you young joy,
And possibly Eric, my boy.
These names in my mind
As you bump and grind.
Your mother strange names does employ!
*Just practicing a little bitchiness!
Widdershins will take after you,
(Backwards and lacking a clue)
But Deasil will be
Taking after me:
Forward thinking and timely, too!
Ericka (*gotta* stop reading the dictionary)
The Twins, prenatally, wrote:
Hey Deasil! We’re starting life bad.
I think that our Mummy’s a lad.
I’d say we were screwed –
(he’s that Archie dude)
‘Cept the loverly E. is our Dad!
Hello to AJL from Deasil and Widdershins
(still in the (womb)at Cave)
SCENE SIX –
God Parents
Come along Archie, it’s time to chose Godfathers for the twins…
Wid’s godfather’ll be Funcle Rank
(Will he come to the church in his tank?)
And for daughter Dea
Pray, who will it be?
Please help me, I’m drawing a blank.
Tutta? (I think he’s a bit old) 😉
Petey? No, that would be bold.
H stands apart.
(Because he just fart-
ed.) Who shall our dear Deasil hold?
Tiddy? (a lifetime of pasty!)
MrMalo? (let’s not be hasty!)
I s’pose Kim and Sam
Could wheel the wee pram.
(Themselves being twins of good taste-y.)
All right then, it’s settled at last.
For the kids of the bitch and the bast.
For better or worse,
From cradle to hearse –
Uncle Frank, Kim and Sam – what a cast!
Ericka. (OK with you, Arch?) 😉
Kim’nSam’ll be GodDad & GodMother
To Widdershins but not the other.
For small Deasil
Marlene will fill
One spot and Peter the other!
Archie(tte) – at least I’ll save one of them from the hounds of Hell!
If it’s OK with Arch we’ll be bringing
The church rafters down with our singing
Of limerick hymns
In praise of those twins
So tightly to Archies’ breasts clinging
( as Uncle Frank’s still mad as hell
with Archie for casting that spell
we’d humbly suggest
he might serve us best
in the tower by ringing the bell )
We’ll be proud to be Mom’n’Dad God
And protect them from Frank ( Evil Sod ! )
We’ll assist if you let
Us dear Archie(tte)
As the twins go pop-pop from your bod ?
Kim&Sam [ Gray’s Anatomy open at Obstetrics ]
Does anyone have a good book
On how a Godmother should look
After baby Deasil
(That sweet little weasel)
Dont’ want you to think I’m a schnook.
I have never been a Godmother
I would like to learn from some other
Experienced soul
How to meet this goal.
Will do Archie proud! He’s my brother!
–ML
Marlene- Just fill the kid up with candy,
And ice cream, that’ll be dandy-
Feed ‘im peanuts, too,
Just like at the zoo-
And pour yourself a big glass of brandy!!!! 😉
Kaylin -believe me, you’ll need it!!!! 😉
I too accept Archie’s kind offer …
Marlene a Godfather I be
So some words of advice then from me?
At the christening hold
Little Deasil quite bold-
ly; don’t squeeze – you’ll be covered in pee!
I see Kaylin has sent you advice.
Yes it works (though not terribly nice).
If they’re noisy and frisky
Just ply them with whisky;
They’ll soon be as quiet as mice.
Peter
Godmothering’s being an AUNT!
So there is no question of can’t!
An auntie I be
To kids three times three,
But, liquoring them’s a new slant.
–ML -Thank you all! I CAN do this.
Liquoring kids works just dandy
Some aunties may just give them candy
But when they’re a pain
And you’re going insane
Duct tape will come in very handy
kiss -(You should have thought of that yourself!)
If you sew Velcro to all the kids’ clothes,
They’ll stick to the rugs, I suppose-
But you’ll still need duct tape
To keep them in shape,
“Cause Velcro can’t keep their mouths closed!!!! 😉
BTW-
The booze was intended for you,
But I guess it’ll work on kids, too-
If they give you trouble,
Just pour ’em a double-
Not the good stuff- the cheap stuff will do!!!!
Kaylin – (besides, you know what they say; “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker!!!!)
Drunk and velcroed to the wall
Duct taped to hold them in thrall
If you are willin’
This keeps the chillun¹
Out of harms way after all!
kiss es and another brandy please… the good stuff
¹southern US dialect for “children”
They can fight, and grumble, and cuss,
We’ ll just tie ’em up with a truss-
A little ether will keep
The sweet darlings asleep-
Them chilluns ain’t no match for us!!!!! 😉
Kaylin – make mine a double…….. and it’s ALL good stuff !!!
It’s my twins that you are mistreating
Enough is enough! – You need beating!
I’ll insert a tack
In this wood, and I’ll whack
You hard in the place you’ll be seating!
Archie(tte) – That is MY Widdershins and Deasil you are talking of corrupting! I’m keeping an eye on all of you!
Archie/Archiette – mom and dad
To Widdershins/Deasil, egad!
They’ll be hard to train
Possibly go insane
Which side punishes them when they’re bad?
Arden –
We’re just giving recommendations
To keep children from depredations
Consider the sources
Suggesting the courses
Of child control innovations ;>)
kiss
Archie(ette) seems to be pissed-
He’s going to beat us, he hissed!
He doesn’t want our help,
That ungrateful whelp-
So I guess we must cease and desist!!!! ;-(
Kaylin -and we had such wonderful ideas……..
Kaylin!!
Your ideas can fit with your own
Grandchildren, who make your kids moan
By being quite bad.
They’re driving them mad.
They’re wild oats they shouldn’t have sown!
But my two will be quite all right.
Perfect, and with never a fight.
By just speaking once
(They’ll know I’m no dunce)
I’ll make them behave and be bright!
Their behaviour will always be mild
They’ll not mess the things I have filed.
They’ll clean up their rooms,
Know how to use brooms,
And I will not ever be riled.
Archie(tte) – Kids respond to love and have a natural respect for authority. And their “E” genes will make sure they are beautiful.
When they left the kid in my care,
I tightened the springs in his chair-
When I let it go—
Wow!!! Look at him go!!!!
He flew fourteen feet in the air!!!!
I hate to shatter your illusions,
But I’m sure that you’re having delusions-
The only sure way
To get kids to obey
Is with massive Valium infusions!!!
Archie(tte)— I have a degree
In the field of child psychology—
You know that I speak
With tongue in cheek—
I love children(and what’s more, they love me!!!)
We wouldn’t hurt your little Detzel,
Nor even your Weinersnetzel-
We’d never mistreat ’em
(Unless we must beat ’em,
And then tie ’em up like a pretzel !)
kaylin
*Kaylin* informed me about liquor
And I should have written this quicker
I tested booze out
And that is, no doubt
Why I have been home feeling sicker.
I guess I won’t feed it to Deasil
It might give the poor kid a measle
It made me write strange stuff
And if that’s not enough
I’ve been acting just like a weasel.
–ML testing again. No, a gin, tonight — can you tell?
Here’s a fact that is truly ironic:
While indulging in gin & tonic-
A little makes you feel great,
But a lot seals your fate-
Feels like a plague, maybe bubonic!!!!
Kaylin
Don’t worry, Sis, you will be fine
With “D”, that nice daughter of mine
You just have to be there
To tell her beware
Of nasties that lurk just like slime!
And knit her some BooTies and things
In green or in pink, and make wings
When she stars in school plays
And plays Angel Faye
And then her beaut solo she sings!
Archie(tte) – you’re a natural, Sis!
SCENE SEVEN –
A concerned Godparent
Hey Archie, as Godfather to
Unborn Deasil, a question for you;
Will I have to be bold
When she’s christened and hold
Her? I fear I’m allergic to poo …
… and wet pee. Please ensure that she wears
Plastic rompers (say 22 pairs).
Will you also please wrap
Her backside in diap-
ers in several waterproof layers?
Now Marty is knitting some booties
And bonnets. I’ve seen ’em; they’re cuties.
But what should I do
For sweet Deasil when due?
I’m a little unclear ’bout my duties.
Getting nervous already.
oh…is someone expecting a tot?
about this I know quite a lot
I have two of my own
and they are only half grown
so we still talk of boogers and snot
as godfather you know that you must
put plenty of money in trust
then the child, Im sure
will never be poor
and never have to beg for a crust
Jule§
The things that occur in Limland –
I played once with Ericka and
I’m now very pregnant.
(She’s only a vagrant
Who travels with Peter in hand!)
She named the twins, preempting me!
They’re Deasil and Widdershins to be.
They are one of each,
Oh, ain’t life a beetch –
And now I keep wanting to pee!
She had all the fun and I was left carrying the babies!
Now Peter, me North Pommy mate,
There’s no need to get in a state.
For Karen will hold,
Cos she’s really bold,
And Deasil will be best behaved!
It’s Widdershins’ I’m not sure ’bout.
If he’s in a church he might shout.
I think he’ll be bad
(Forgot who’s God-Dad) Was it Uncle Frank?
And he might turn into a lout!
There’s only three weeks now to go
And “E”‘ll be a Mum, don’t you know
But she’s had no worry –
It’s I who am sorry.
I hate watching my figure go!
Twins! After they’re born, I’m staying right away from “E”!
You don’t want me there. No way!
Let’s get that straight now. OK…
You must want Em El
Who thinks kids are swell
She’ll knit little booTies all day
kiss
SCENE EIGHT-
A Fortnight to go
My gynies, Docs Handsup and Grope
Have convinced me that I cannot cope.
I’ll have a cesaerian
To just please ary’em.
They must think I am really a dope
But Ericka’s away having vac
While, stuck here, I’m just a sad sack.
She will miss the birth –
Won’t make it to Perth –
I hope I’m not on the wrong track.
Archie(tte) – The Docs said – about a fortnight now!
The support was somewhat mixed
You’re about to de-oven the buns!
The God-P’s are poised; knitting’s done.
Remember to squeeeeeze
(and uncross your knees)
And don’t forget how to have fun !
How long after the birth will it be
till you’re back in the saddle with E
and the rest of us chicks ?
– ditch the checks and clinics
and make an appointment with me…
Lucy
Dear Archie, I offer my help
should *E* not be there as you whelp
your son and your daughter.
I’ll boil up the water
and hold your hand tight as you yelp !
Duke Dillon
Relax, its just like shelling peas..
each of mine were born as I sneezed.
Once you start to crack
theres no turning back
so ..act like a woman…and SQUEEEEEZE!
Jule§
Deasil’s Godfather soon I will be.
I’m quite practised at cradling wee
Little babes in my arms,
But despite all my charms
They seem always to pee on my knee!
Peter – OK if I wear diving gear to the christening?
Oh you sissy, you pussy, you coward,
Just remember why you were deflowered
To continue the race,
So put on a brave face
And bring forth a strong son (name him Howard).
Ken Rose
Dear Archie (the one who’s bygone),
I’ll see you next life, don’t be long.
E’en if you ‘carnate
As sea ray or skate,
Archiette and her spawn shall lim on.
-=H=- Ah, the great circle of life…
Thanks for all your support, you see,
It’s the first time it’s happened to me.
I’m so heavy and big
I’m just a fat pig
And, please, wait, I’ve gotta go pee!
Archie(tte) – I’ll be glad when this is over – A good nights sleep is in order!
Dear Archie:
The Canadian flag I’ve unfurled!
On my balloon trip around the world!
I know you’re soon due,
But *I’ve* got a life too!
(And the last time I saw you, you hurled!)
I’d make Perth for the birth of kinfolky,
But the Chinese just can’t take a jokey.
They said,” You no fry
In our big brue sky!”
And then locked me up in the pokey.
Ericka. (Anyone got an English/Chinese dictionary?) (Moo Goo Guy Pan?)
END of ACT the SECOND
ACT the THIRD
The birth and the congratulations.
I’m proud to annouce to the group
That I have now increased our troop
The awaited twins
To the world have come ins
The new Daddy just has to stoop!
It was just as I was afearin’
I had to have a caeserian
They cut open my tum
(Which was not much fun)
And inside the Doctors were peerin’.
16th Jan, 1999, at Perth, to Archie and Ericka – twins – Deasil and Widdershins – Children and Father all well – Mother off gallivanting – again!
Congrats on the birth of your twins,
Baby Deasil and young Widdershins;
But they don’t look like E;
I’m afraid I can see
That they’ve both got your hair and your chins!
Peter
Neath Deasil’s clean nappy I’ve found
A birthmark both coloured and round.
It fits one on E
Exact to a “t” –
Her maternity’s really quite sound!
She is as beautiful as her mother tho ….
And Widdy is not looking silly
He’s mine, tho he’s clothed somewhat frilly
“E” knows of the kink
I’ve got – well, I think
That Widdy’s got just the same willy!
And he’ll be a devil of a legspinner
So the crumbcrushers have finally emerged
From your body they’ve just now emerged
Next time use protection
On that penile erection
When again you get the fucking urge! 😉
Arden – (2 more to add to the planetary population…)
Bet those twins got a terrible fright
When first they took in the sight
Of their father/mother
Cause there ain’t no other
Kids who have such an unusual plight
Arden
Congratulations to Deasil, Widdershins!
These two for sure are handsome twins.
But I agree with Arden,
When the next time you harden,
Use a cover before you begins.
— Petunia
engaging in copulation
and increasing the population
by 2 at a time
though it isnt a crime
is certainly opulation!
mr malo
Aargh, more little mutinous spawn!
I curse this day’s dusk and it’s dawn!
I’ll mark it in black,
And scratch on my sac,
And contemplate all with a yawn….
-=Capt. H=- 😉
“I’m sure the babes all will enchant,”
Says this proud godmother and aunt.
But, Arch, get a clue:
When girls say “Will you…”
Say, “Oh, no, Ma’am, I really can’t!”
–Marty
Congrats on your very fine pair,
Now you won’t have much lim time to spare!
We’ll allow you to lurk,
Cos it’s very hard work,
And you’ll just want to sleep in the chair..
Jayne
Well, Archie, I offer congrats
On the birth of your little rug-rats;
Keep them warm and happy
By changing their nappie,
Don’t let them become little brats!!!
Kaylin
So Archie is now a proud mother.
With love, those two kids he can smother,
And keep happy, secure.
One thing he’ll do for sure
Is tend to one end or the other.
Pilar
Hey, Archie, You gonna breast feed?
Have you got all the milk they will need?
Your bosom must bee
At least 44C,
To satisfy all of their greed.
Tiddy.
The advice that we K’s thought so dandy
You’ve declined but it may yet be handy
Don’t forget – liquor’s quick
And duct tape will stick
Then there’s velcro and closets and candy
kiss – But, congratulations on your delivery into insanity…
Our advice was great— damned if it weren’t!
But our wisdom Archi(ette) spurnt—-
So I guess he’ll find out,
(‘Fore much longer, no doubt!)
What the rest of us already learnt—–
Which is the fact that kids are a pain,
Without sense to come in from the rain—
They’ll take all your cash,
Won’t take out the trash,
And cause ulcers from much stress and strain!!!!
kaylin -just kidding, Arch! Please don’t beat me….again!
Marlene called in from the wilds of Wyoming with some problems of her own.
I’m thankful to be a Godmother
And able to stand for my brother
Dear Archie’s sweet twins
(Though not Widdershins)
I’ll help care for Deasil, the other!
I’m thankful I finally found
That centipede out on the ground.
His legs had been crushed.
His whole body mushed
Into one little tiny dead mound.
I’m thankful my toes are quite short
And are not the long, hairy sort
They can pick up stuff.
(But that’s quite enough
Of this current digit report.)
I’m thankful I’m going to see
My littlest niece, who likes me
She claims “her Marnene”
And creates a scene
That makes me just happy to BE.
–ML {Braving the wilds of Wyoming!}
I’d love to be there, Arch, today,
But I’m stuck here in St Tropez!
The sun and the seas
And the male bikinis
Are a drag. But I feel I should stay.
Prince Rainier’s dropping by tonight.
Seems Monaco now is just fright-
fully boring, old bean,
Since *I’ve* left the scene.
(He calls me his Nordic Delight!)
So listen, Arch – congratulations on whatever-their-names are! And I’ll get there as soon as I possibly can! Love & Kisses and all that rot, Ericka.
END of ACT the THIRD
ACT the FOURTH
In which it is shown that leopards find it well nigh impossible to change their spots, that modesty is not always a mother’s nature and that there are some disturbing things happening in the nursery.
SCENE ONE –
Anger and lust join together
You might be a real lousy mudder
But I want to suck on your udder
And remove all your gear
To bury my spear –
But this time I will use a rubber!
You named the little brats – Already you are a hopeless mudder! At least try to remember their names – and I have a hospital bill for you to pay!
Archie, dahling…
Prince R. has told me I should get
To know little Windy and Wet.
So Archie, you win –
I’ll visit those twin
Little Ozkids I helped to beget.
BUT…
I’m wearing a new gown, quite hot!
It’s designer – you’ll like it a lot.
(If those kids bomb it
With projectile vomit,
I’ll be out of there like a shot!)
And while you are staying in Perth –
I have got quite randy post-birth
And you’ve won first prize –
You’ll be surprised
At how I have now lost my girth
I know I’m well out of strict training
But I can now screw without straining
So E, shall we fiddle
With some slap and tickle?
And we will soon cease all refraining?
It’s good to see your lovely tits
And all those other nice bits – –
Oh Widdy, you brat
I’ll have to clean that –
Oh bugger, he spews and he spits!
Don’t leave a fine upstanding man like me, like this – I’ll make it up to you – promise
SCENE TWO –
A disappearence
The twin’s mother pleaded:
This is Earth to Archive Twenty Three.
Come in, Archie. Do you read me?
(Alien abduction?
with brain matter suction?
Are you getting the third degree?)
Or judging an Aus. spelling bee?
Or just footloose and fancy-free?
Or circling the mulberry tree?
Or mating that damn chimpanzee?
Or girl’s mud-wrestling referee?
Ericka. (Mother Earth) Where the hell are you, Arch?
Um, Ericka, my travelling lass,
I’ve left the twins, I’m chasing ass,
But they are not alone
There is help left at home-
Damien, baby sitter with class!
A helpful young lad he’s become
Quite fond of the twins, that’s our son
And our daughter most dear.
He said, “Never fear.”
He sounds so much better than some.
Archie – and I only have to pay him a dollar an hour!
SCENE THREE –
Supporting the twins
Dear Peter, I need your stuffin’
Your bod, your rod, and handcuffin’
While I wait for your ans-
wer, I’ll take off my pants,
And start in on buffin’ the muffin!
Love, Petal (put your metal to the Petal?) 😉
I’m getting my webcam set up
Some pictures to get as you tup
And I know I’m a cad
And totally bad
But I’m looking for something corrup(t)
Some handcuffs will help set the stage
Red panties will make us all rage
Some black silken whips
And nude pierc-ed nips
And a beastie thats locked in a cage!
(With all profits reverting to me
I’ll feed young Widdy and Dea
I won’t need welfare
To bring up that pair)
It is to be called “Whop E”!
Archie(tte) – purely a commercial proposition.
SCENE FOUR –
A little byplay
Deær Ærchie,
It’s beæn æons since I’ve heærd from you!
Seæms your vowæls ære bound up with gluæ!
You need to æscribe… ær…
To eæting more fibre,
Ænd creæting more lims in hære too!
(How *are* little Burp and Fart anyway?)
Oh Ærickæ, nice thæt you speak
This tongue, giving Ænglish the fleek!
I understænd well,
(you’re mæking me swæll).
Come sæe the twins sometime næxt wæk
They have mostly stopped barfing over dresses now!
remembering those long ago assignations!
Do you mean those times that you snuck
Into my bedroom, you big schmuck?
While wearing disguise,
You did compromise
Me by talking me into a ….. assignation?
(Oh. I see what you mean) 😉
This Ærchie keeps trying his luck
He’s subtle, like a big Mack truck.
His need’s not confusing
He just wants to be using
His assegi for a quick ….. jab!
Why didn’t that rhyme?? i was going well until then!
SCENE FIVE –
A hint of something strange
Hi Arch! I’m in Honolulu.
(Just bought myself a new muumuu)
I thought I’d drop by
While I’m on the fly,
And visit the twins and you you.
Make sure that Wid hasn’t eaten!
I’ve no desire for repeatin’
That awful green mess
On my brand new dress,
Helluva wet, sticky greetin’!
And Arch, in the mail just today,
What *are* these big bills,anyway?
For bananas? a ton?
And Lamaze for a mon-
key? Airfare from Oz to L.A.?
Oh, E, you’re in your new muumuu;
What I’m wearing comes off quick too.
Let us both get nude
And we’ll fondle quite lewd
And finish it off with a screw!
I’ve missed your delectable bod
Thats why I have such a hard rod.
I know I’m a slut,
But with you I must rut
I’m sorry if that makes me odd. . . . . .
Great to here from you again – those bills are all to do with the kids – honest – expensive little buggers!
SCENE SIX –
The strangeness in the nursery is explained
When twins get their teeth they are bitey
And toys will make both of them fighty
So I keep them locked up
In attic they sup
They’re quiet and so pale and so whitey
Ærchie – and their co-parent hasn’t seen them for nearly a year!!!!
Oh look, is that Weasel and Dee?
But no, wait! From what I can see
Those are not the two
Kids *I* had with you!
What are you off-pawning on me??
Ericka. ;-( (who already pays support for the twins and Archie’s monkey-daughter)
Oh E, will you please do your sums
And think of how often kids comes
I know you cant see
But it’s Weasel and Dee
And BOTH have now got dirty bums
Monkeygirl was a sheer accident.
The chimp was a chance heaven sent.
I wasn’t to know
Just what was to grow – – –
(And PLEASE will you help pay the rent??)
Ærchie – Weasel said “mom” the other day
Tiddy enquired of Ærchie:
In Ericka’s message to you
I thought that I’d learned something new.
A very strange hint,
Or just a misprint,
Have *you* got an ape daughter too?
For Arch, since you’ve been far away,
A lovely young child came my way.
She’s a visual delight,
Just look on my site,
If ever you go there one day.
Ærchie replied to Tiddy:
Now Tiddy I’ve just done my duty
Seen Crinn, and she is such a beauty
But my young ape daughter
Is ugly and sorta
Like the twins, not much of a cutey.
Its Ericka’s fault I was randy
That Chimp was all that was handy
I took a quick chance
And dropped down my pants
I thought a quick boff would be dandy
Well, just a few weeks from that screw
Don’t ask how, I just bloody knew
That chimp did to me
The same as did E.
I’m glad it was one and not two!
END of ACT the FOURTH
ACT the FIFTH
The twins grow up and the parents are part time
SCENE ONE –
Our Pete and our E one more time
Were bouncing around in some rhyme
Their rhythm anapestic
Should have had them arrestic
Such fun should be made a bad crime!
Where’s Pete and his Pet , I have cried,
I love how each other you ride.
So I hope that this thing
Is not one last fling
(And “E”, want a bit on the side?)
Peter replied
Well, Petal’s been busy of late
With your Deezil and Widdershins, mate;
Too exhausted and fraught
To cavort as she ought
And it’s *you* who’s to blame for her state.
And Ericka revealed the true problem –
she was trying to be a mother
Dear Arch so good of you to say
That you’ll take the kids back today.
I know you’ve been missing
The moaning and pissing –
I Canberra see you this way.
(At last Peter, now we are free!
Wagga Wagga your Dingo at me
‘Til my Cunnamulla
Is really chock fulla
Your Cooma. How ’bout it, Sweet P?)
can’t wait to visit Dongara!
I see that young Jon has his Carol
Spreadeagled and over a barrel;
So now is the time
The Blue Mountains to climb
(Though you won’t need no climbing apparel).
You first; I shall follow behind
For the sight of your ass is inclined
To inspire me to heights
Of romantic delights ..
Half way up I shall give you a grind.
So *this* is Oz!
Do I hear some lightning and thunder?
Or is it a Foster’s caused chunder?
We’re all getting wet
Cos it’s Pete and his Pet
And both of them coming down-under!
Cant wait to see how your bunyips
From E I’ve received Wid’s and Dee
With house rules they will not agree
So whatever the cost
They’re now in the post (oops)
To Anglia and their Uncle P!
The twins were delivered today
Along with a bundle of hay.
Until they’re of age
I am hiring a cage
In the zoo and that’s where they will stay.
SCENE TWO –
A disappearence
Someone asked where Archie was – – –
The last I saw Archie was back
In the Andes atop a pack yak,
On the way to his farm
With a twin in each arm
And Ron, the keyboard, in a sack.
He told me to say fare-the-well
To everyone at AJL.
(But his sister Marlene
Says he’s now a drag queen,
Modeling his way right to hell.)
Ericka – proud co-parent of Archie’s twins.
Arch? you’ll always be queen of my heart.
Marlene replied –
I never said any such thing!
I think I said Archie’s a king
In charge of a harem
And he likes to scare ’em
By brandishing his ding-a-ling!
Marty – Actually — I think he’s off … er … finding himself
SCENE THREE –
More travelling – and an invitation
Well Archie McFur-face O’Day!
I hear you moved out Sydney way?
Are the virgin-birth
Twins still in Perth?
Or are *they* what’s led you astray?
Ericka – are you and Wid on the run from the law?? again?
Now Arch has been in quite a tizz
The twins run around in a whizz
It is such a fright
If they’re out of sight
Although here at least they dont frizz
I thought you had deserted me.
Dear Archie, (old fart of my heart)
Too long now, have we been apart!
Come up to the snow
From that hell below,
For beavertails and hot choc-o-lart.
graduate of the Archie school of rhyme
How welcome that invite does sound
To travel the world half way round
And then at the end
Our love we will mend –
I’ll melt all the ice on your mound
graduate of the Ericka school of travelling lust.
I think she is rather distraught
For she’s wondering why you have taught
Them already ’bout cricket
And made them keep wicket
While bowling them leg-breaks for sport.
I’ve tried to teach them healthy sports
But both twins are very strange sorts
For Dee loves to prance
And Weas in a trance
They both look for sailors in ports
SCENE FOUR –
The twins continue to grow –
and develop in unexpected ways
Sometimes young Dee’s eyes simply glow
At dusk when the sky’s indigo
And then she will hide –
Maybe take a ride-
My broomstick’s now got vertigo!
Ever tried to brush cobwebs with a broom that is scared of heights?
And now it is Halloween.
I wanted to sweep up today
And couldn’t find where my broom lay
I looked all around,
It couldn’t be found
And neither could Deasil all day!
After lunch the cat gave a big squawk
And I found I was missing a fork
I heard Widdy laugh
And a moo from the calf
At questions I think I shall balk!
There’s just this one dirty great toad
Which I found out there in the road
It was bringing a mouse
Back into the house
And off to the milk bowl it strode!
And Dea is now muttering and pointing
At Wid who I think she’s anointing
About a familiar
Or something quite similiar
And now she is saying “disjointing”
For she has come back with the broom
I know t’wasn’t up in her room
She weren’t in the street
Or using her feet
And the broom is now needing a groom!
I dont know what Kids do today
This stuff seems much more than just play
They are not yet three
And yet I can see
Already they’re starting to stray!
Their Mother’s run off again and left me to cope
END of ACT the FIFTH
FINIS
for the moment
Some peanuts, or popcorn or candy?
Please keep all your cash really handy
It’s the end of the show
Before you can go
Have something to eat that is dandy!
Wids and Dea
limericks; naughty and nice 