Some Scots Lassie, I think.
Month: November 2012
Ice Block
Now listen up, all of you people!
To make a big wave not a ripple
You never should knock
The effect of the shock
Of an Ice Block that’s touched to a nipple!
Mabel
Some bangers and mash with some peas
With tea and three sugars to please
All served at my table
By waitressing Mabel
Wearing boots and then bare from the knees.
Baby Talk
AWWWWWW
My Little Mouse
Tell me Arch , does your little mouse
Run fast all over the house
Or does it just wait
and anticipate
getting caught in the little cat’s mouth
Azul
It’s cert’nly not one to say “Squeek,”
And the mouth that it seeks will not “Eeek.”
The pussy’s mouth sought
Is moist and it’s taut
And certain to make MY knees go weak!
Archie
I was listening to “The Silver Tongued Devil” and hoping to soon hear that you’ll “Help Me Make it Through the Night”!
The Milko
The milko comes by ev’ry day
His milk I wont buy, there’s no way
The reason is easy
Cos he’s really sleazy
And his horse always shits in the dray
Flashman
This was written in the old alt.jokes.limericks newsgroup
One of my limerick rivals, my cyber-sister Marty, played along with this one.
Don’t pick on our favoured Camilla –
My year had her outside the villa.
Oh God, what a blast.
Left all at half mast.
She said “Wow, it tastes like vanilla.!”
Ærchie Flashman
Flashman, indeed! You claim him,
That sneaky surveyor of quim?
His di’ry I’ve read
I think what he said
Are subjects quite fit for a lim!
–Marty
My great-uncle Flash was a cad
With ladies he was quite a lad.
Despite his great shame
My hero became.
Is that why I’m evil and bad?
Ærchie
Bathing
Pin-ups are nothing new –
but whatever happened to all those early models?
Sutra – Karma
The Sutra I thought I’d attack
So contortedly opened her crack
With knees spread apart –
I thought I’d start –
Oh Damn – I’ve now put out my back!!!!
Xena
Gloriously busty Greek Xena
With baddies is brutal and meaner.
I don’t look for justice,
I look at her bustice.
The Kleenex is used as a cleaner.
Down-Under
Down-Under is what I do like
With you above me, poised to strike.
With one single lunge
We’ll both take the plunge – – –
I may end with a teeth damaged psych!
So, tho the request may sound trite
And all of those teeth are a sight
So white and so strong
And fright’ningly long –
Be gentle when you take a bite
Buggering Mice
I know you’ll think I’m a louse
But lately I’ve found it just grouse
To use a new trick
And pleasure my dick
By carelessly fucking a mouse
You hold them in gloves made of velcro
Inserting yourself fairly slow
They stretch and they squeak,
Their ribs give a creak –
That’s when they will burst, don’t you know.
It works like a treat with most mice
And come when I’ve done it just thrice
I couldn’t care less
’bout all of the mess –
The cat licks it up in a trice.
I’ve added some sexual spice
Tho you may not think I am nice
I’ve given up cows
(My New Yearly vows)
And taken up buggering mice.
I tried that ol’ cyber sex crap
But found I preferred just a nap
Till one day I found
Down there on the ground
A pair of white mice in a trap.
You’re better off buggering mice
Their bum is as tight as a vice
And don’t ever worry
About saying sorry
They never come back for it twice
I’m loving just buggering mice
They’re best when held in a vice
But always take care
With those over there
They bite and they’re covered in lice.
A Warning
IF LIMERICKS DON’T SCARE YOU
THEN YOU HAVEN’T BEEN HERE YET!
The contents of this site have been rated “R” by some authorities and could be totally banned by others.
That should be enough warning for all those under 18
except for the 14 year old males
who have no discrimination anyway!
For the ladies it is as well to remember –
“Most women loathe limericks,
For the same reason that calves hate cookbooks!”
Just as an explanation, some of these limericks were written back in the 1990’s when News Groups were the in-thing.
Many of these efforts were written as part of a conversation on alt.jokes.limericks so sometimes there are other authors mentioned and quoted.
limericks; naughty and nice 